CHOPPING MALL

1986 was a great year for cheesy horror films. The “slasher” craze was at the top of its game and new horror movies were being cranked out almost weekly - either as “straight-to-video” releases or to cinemas in a very select amount of theaters. Many of these films got lost in the endless parade of new titles and often served no other purpose than to help fill up shelves at the local mom & pop video store. Some were bad, some were good, but all managed to find some type of an audience. To me, one gem stood out in particular and, while overlooked and forgotten about for many years, is now poised to find a new audience thanks to its recent debut on DVD which can finally replace the long out-of-print VHS copies that are scarcely available. That movie is Chopping Mall (a.k.a. Killbots) and it holds the honor (or dishonor - depending on what you think of my taste in movies) of making my list of “Top 10 Favorite Movies Of All Time”.

In the film, a new line of experimental security robots is activated at a popular shopping plaza. Eight teenagers working at this same mall decide to hide out in a mattress store until closing time for an all-night party of drinking and “other things”. During a storm, the control center for these machines is fried by lightning turning the robots into unstoppable killers, trapping the kids inside. So begins one of the most entertaining journeys in the genre of horror films…

Corny, cheap, and gloriously stuck in the 80s, Chopping Mall is a wonderful homage to the decade of excess and mindless entertainment that actually holds up better today than it did during its initial release. A very likeable cast (who are surprisingly good in their roles), a biting sense of humor, non-stop action, a decent (if not implausible) storyline, great robots, cool cameos, and a highly-addictive electro-synth soundtrack help solidify Chopping Mall as the ultimate cult-classic, along with one very important thing: rather than developing a cult following on the basis of being strange or outlandish, Chopping Mall is actually GOOD. I can say without fear of contradiction that watching Chopping Mall will be the best 77 minutes of movie viewing experience you will ever have.

Check your brain at the door. Grab the popcorn. Turn out the lights. Crank your TV. Let Chopping Mall entertain you like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. It’s unforgettable. You’ll love it.

My Score: 9 out of 10

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INSIDIOUS

Over the years, I’ve seen literally hundreds of “haunted house”-themed horror films. Many were lackluster (Paranormal Activity), many were decent (The Amityville Horror), and many were actually quite good (Burnt Offerings). Regardless of how good and/or original they were, they always managed to pale in comparison to the seminal ghost film, Poltergeist – that is until I saw Insidious.

This tense, believable and well-researched horror film may have de-throned the Steven Spielberg-produced/Tobe Hooper-directed fright flick as the “greatest haunted house film”. A very impressive feat considering that its creators James Wan & Leigh Whannell (the talented creators of Saw and the criminally overlooked Dead Silence) managed to outdo one of the classics of modern day cinema widely considered to be one of the very best horror movies ever made.

Right from the beginning, Insidious grabs you with its depiction of typical American life. A family goes about their normal daily routine as odd things slowly begin to unfold one-by-one. A fall at home lands their young son in what appears to be a state of coma. Heartbroken, the close-knit family presses on. A series of unexplained events transpires and, when the frequency and intensity of these begin to escalate, the family decides to move. However, that is only the beginning of their problems as they soon realize that their son is not in a coma but, rather, has the ability to astral project (in essence, a sleepwalking spirit) and may have gone too far – opening the door for demons and evil spirits who are hell bent on destroying the entire family.

VERY scary, extremely entertaining, and relentlessly paced throughout, Insidious is a phenomenal movie which I cannot recommend highly enough. I NEVER jump or get unnerved during horror movies, but Insidious got to me. There are several moments that actually gave me some serious goosebumps and I was kept on edge through the entire film. For those that think the horror genre is dead or running out of fresh ideas, see Insidious. It will change your view of current horror movies – and, quite possibly, make you a believer in the paranormal. One of the greatest horror films in recent memory.

My Score: 10 out of 10

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TRANCERS

Aside from Full Moon’s most successful and popular catalog title, Puppet Master, the low-budget film production company has another secret weapon in the slightly lesser-known (and better) franchise – Trancers.

The plot is highly original: a crass, chain-smoking cop from the future travels back to the year 1985 (not-so-ironically, the year the film was made) in order to apprehend a criminal that is using psychic powers to transform ordinary citizens into zombie-like monsters in order to carry out his devious plans.

Unlike the Puppet Master franchise which varies sharply from film to film, the Trancers movies have been Full Moon’s most consistent deliverer in terms of quality. A majority of the cast remains the same throughout the series’ run (including “A-list” actress Helen Hunt, who miraculously remains on board for the first three films). The underrated Tim Thomerson plays Jack Deth, the anti-hero who looks as if he’d rather be doing anything else than his job at hand (think Ash from The Evil Dead and you get the picture). A low budget, sci-fi/horror hybrid of Scanners and Blade Runner (which, by the way, is HIGHLY overrated), Trancers is miles away better than both of those films – yet, remains largely unseen. The story is extremely unique, the characters are both likeable and believable, the special effects are cheesy (in a good way) and the subsequent installments only serve to strengthen the original by continuing the storyline in a plausible, enjoyable manner. What’s even more impressive is that director Charles Band manages to create a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles that is eerie, poignant, and beautifully executed. While this scene is quite brief, it is a perfect example of the care and skill that the filmmakers have in handling what would easily be nothing more than a throwaway “cheesy B-movie” in less competent hands.

While the Trancers franchise may have stumbled slightly (still, not too bad) with its most recent installment, 2002’s Trancers 6 (in which star Tim Thomerson is painfully absent for the first time), it is a strong series that manages to weave a fascinating and highly-addictive storyline (Trancers III remains my personal favorite) that is a great deal more enjoyable than one may give it credit for. Ridiculously hard to find for many years, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND tracking down the entire series while it’s still available – you may very well get sucked into the Trancers universe.

My Score: 9 out of 10

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SORORITY ROW

Despite what many people believe, the art of the remake should be considered just that – an “art. What may seem like a quick “cash grab” to make a few bucks at the cinema is actually no easy task. A properly remade horror movie should do three main things: 1) Expand or improve on the original, 2) add a few new twists and surprises along the way, 3) maintain the integrity of the original film’s vision. Sadly, more often than not, these films fall flat in their attempt. For every excellent remake (like Prom Night, Halloween, or Texas Chainsaw Massacre), there are many substandard efforts (When A Stranger Calls). Such is the case with Sorority Row, a mediocre dumbed-down redo of 1983’s vastly superior The House on Sorority Row.

This 2009 retelling of a sorority house prank going wrong and its cover-up can best be described as I Know What You Did Last Summer laced with T&A. Slapping a “Sorority Row” title on this film is pointless and insulting; it could have easily been named at least 20 different things given its by-the-numbers, formulaic plot. While Sorority Row is certainly not a complete failure, it suffers from some incredibly bad writing and one too many twists at the end.  During this endless climax, I found myself restless and checking the time quite often – not a good sign when my attentiveness during such “classics” as Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator and Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh kept me glued to my seat.

On a positive note, Sorority Row delivers in some key areas: 1) it has a competent, likeable cast,  2) its brisk pacing really adds to the entertainment factor, and 3) some of the deaths are gory and creative (which, let’s be honest, is what most people look for in a film like this). It’s just unfortunate that this remake pales in comparison to the clever, sharp murder-mystery story of the original.

My Score: 5 out of 10 

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VALENTINE

Sometimes it’s bad timing. Sometimes it’s bad marketing. Sometimes it’s bad press. Whatever the reason, this criminally underrated horror gem from 2001 is nearly perfect in all aspects of its execution. Valentine is a wonderful throwback to the glory days of “slasher films” – the early 1980s. This movie tells the story of Jeremy Melton, a nerdy reject in school who, after years of being mercilessly bullied and mocked, grows up to take revenge on his childhood peers – or does he?

This simple plot sets the stage for an unexpectedly enjoyable series of ‘stalk and slash’ scenarios, along with a great cast (especially for a horror film), some wonderful set designs, a great killer, and a well-written script with a great ending. Enough said.

While the familiar story may seem “typical”, the competency and maturity shown by director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend – another of his solid efforts) is anything but. He handles this movie like a seasoned professional and his talented cast – including David Boreanaz (TV’s Bones), Katherine Heigl (TV’s Grey’s Anatomy) and Denise Richards (Wild Things) – do a solid, believable job with the high-quality material.

Horror films have long made the holiday season a perfect target for their stories. While Christmas seems to have the largest selection of quality classic horror movies (Black Christmas, Christmas Evil and Silent Night, Deadly Night – just to name a few), Valentine’s Day is running a very close second (My Bloody Valentine, My Bloody Valentine 3D, and Valentine are probably the best). Valentine is a rare overlooked find – the deaths are inventive, the soundtrack is great, humor is found in ample doses, and a decent “whodunit” story is wrapped neatly within this should-be perennial horror classic.

For those looking for an old-school horror movie made for today’s modern times, you can’t do much better than Valentine. A must see for fans of the horror and/or thriller genre.

My Score: 9 out of 10

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FROZEN

Over-hype is never a good thing. People’s expectations are unrealistically heightened due to stellar reviews and positive word-of-mouth and, often times, come away feeling disappointed and cheated. Nothing quite embodies the term “over-hype” better than Adam Green’s Frozen, a painfully dull horror film that quite possibly may be the worst film I’ve seen in a decade (admittedly, I watch some real “gems”, so THAT’S saying something…)!

I’m not kidding…

A trio of close friends sweet talk their way onto a ski lift, only to be accidentally stranded mid-air for days while the resort is closed – and a pack of vicious, hungry wolves circles below. Think Open Water in the air and you’ve got Frozen.

The story premise sounds engaging but, unfortunately, nothing in the movie is. The story is contrived and lacks any real thrills or scares, the straightforward screenplay throws no curveballs or surprises at the viewer, the characters aren’t that particularly interesting and the acting (given the fact that most of the scenes are played for dramatic effect) is sub-par. Worst of all, the film is extremely boring – limping along its 93 minute running time (which, by the way, feels waaaaaaay to long) to its lackluster ending.  From beginning to end, Frozen is just bad.  

In recent years, director Adam Green has made quite a name for himself by co-directing the moody 2007 film, Spiral, and the inexplicably popular Hatchet series (again, a good, but slightly overrated effort). Ironically, Frozen may be earning him his best press to date, yet remains his weakest movie by far.

A slew of excellent reviews and a successful run at Sundance leave me simply scratching my head at what I watched. Either as a mislabeled horror movie, a thriller, or a human survival drama, make no mistake – Frozen will leave you cold.

My Rating - 1 out of 10

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